The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
my liver is dry heaving
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
