So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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