some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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