I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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