just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
