my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
