i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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