your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
