My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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