i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
