I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
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