I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Found your dick twin last night
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
