Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
