some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
