We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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