Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
