saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
