If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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