You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
