dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
