My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
