Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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