you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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