It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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