I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
