i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
