her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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