Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
