Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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