So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
