I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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