Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
