wrigley field is MILF paradise
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
