Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
