You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
