Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Are my feet made of real feet?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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