After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
