It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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