Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
