M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
