When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
