I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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