it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
