lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
