That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
