the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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