I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i think im in europe. pls send help
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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