Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
