I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
