I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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