I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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