my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
