she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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