woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
