i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
