I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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