What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
