Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
